Déjà-WHAT!
by Hanna-NotMontana
Summary: Written for a nice anon asking me to create some funny, nonsense CP. There's polar bears, Arthur playing Yellow Snow, Douglas suffering through High School Musical and Martin, as always, being awful at word games. Just a completely pointless oneshot, but hopefully funny.


_Enjoy this (hopefully) funny, pointless little one-shot!_  
_I play with some stereotypes of other cultures and I certainly don't intend to step on anyone's toes, so don't take this serious! :)_  
_Hanna _  
_(**hanna-notmontana** on tumblr)_

* * *

DOUGLAS: Good morning non-existent passengers and existent crew, this is your First Officer Douglas Richardson speaking. For questions about déjà-vus – like, for example 'I've been here before Douglas' 'Yes Martin that's the flight deck, you're a regular here!' – please feel free to consult our Captain, Martin Crieff. However, if you have the feeling of 'Hey, I've brought the pilots their coffee already!' I can assure you that is _not_ a déjà-vu _because it hasn't happened yet_-

CAROLYN: Oh alright, alright, Douglas, we get it. Arthur, bring these two funfair attractions their coffee.

[Theme]

DOUGLAS: Okay spill it. What's the matter with you? You have been unusually grumpy ever since we took off this morning.

MARTIN: It's just… I have the feeling I've been here before – and no, I don't mean the flight deck – well, that, too, I suppose – but… here. Out there!

DOUGLAS: You mean you've been to the Arctic before? Why, of course – when you competently fought off a polar bear with only an egg whisk and a pogo stick!

MARTIN: Oh, haha! Very funny. No, but really. I feel like I recognize the landscape.

DOUGLAS: Oh really? You recognize a snowy, vast ice desert that could, for all we know without maps, also be Xinzhou in winter, or Moscow? From an aeroplane, high above the ground?

MARTIN: I know, I know! It's just a feeling…

A [enters]: Did you like your coffee, chaps?

DOUGLAS: Why? What did you put in it? Is that why Martin's hallucinating he's been here before?

ARTHUR: I didn't do anything – Mum just wanted me out of her way.

DOUGLAS: And so she sent you up here….

ARTHUR: Exactly! Now, why does Martin think he's been here before?

DOUGLAS: Well, maybe he was here in another life. As someone else.

ARTHUR: Maybe you were a polar bear, skip!

MARTIN: There are no polar bears in the Arctic.

DOUGLAS: Because you gave the last one a heart attack with the egg whisk.

ARTHUR: _What'd you do that for?!_

MARTIN: I didn't. Alright, why don't we play a game, to pass the time and get away from the topics me, reincarnation and polar bears?

DOUGLAS: Alright.

ARTHUR: Brilliant. What's the game?

DOUGLAS: How about a game where we have to put as many song titles in our sentences as we can, and at the end of the day, whoever has most, wins.

ARTHUR: Oh, that's great! I know hundreds of songs!

DOUGLAS: Can you _name_ them, though?

ARTHUR: …No- but I can sing them?! [gathers breath]

DOUGLAS: No thank you – how about you skip this game?

ARTHUR: Ah, because it would be unfair for you guys?

MARTIN: [relieved] Exactly!

ARTHUR: Righto. I'll just sit in the back and try to think of something to give Lizzy as a souvenir.

MARTIN: Lizzy?

ARTHUR: My girlfriend!

DOUGLAS: I didn't know you had a girlfriend again!

MARTIN: Yes, neither did I.

ARTHUR: Oh, we're only just together since the day before yesterday. But I thought it would be nice getting her something since we were going here.

MARTIN: Well, that's… nice. Yes, very nice. Good luck in, uh, thinking of something, then.

ARTHUR: Thanks skip! See you later. [exits]

DOUGLAS: You were wrong, by the way.

MARTIN: [sarcastic] Oh, really? _Knowing Me, Knowing You_, I certainly was. What about, though?

DOUGLAS: Good one – didn't know you liked ABBA. About the polar bears. There are, in fact, polar bears at the Arctic. What the Arctic is lacking, however, is penguins.

MARTIN: Yes, well, it would, wouldn't it? I'd rather not live with polar bears, either.

DOUGLAS: Arthur would be delighted.

MARTIN: You could say he'd consider himself _Lucky_.

DOUGLAS: You're rather good at this game, aren't you? And when I say good, I mean not as entirely awful as you usually are. _This Could Be The Start Of Something New_, probably.

MARTIN: Are you quoting… High School Musical?!

DOUGLAS: What can I say? I sat through it with my daughter. How do YOU know it?

MARTIN: My nieces watched that when I was visiting my mum last week.

DOUGLAS: Ah. Now, where were we? Oh yes, penguins and polar bears.

MARTIN: Do you think polar bears would eat penguins if they both happened to live here?

DOUGLAS: Well it would certainly not be the other way round. I think a polar bear would definitely try to eat you and it wouldn't stop at penguins, considering you and they share a very similar trait.

MARTIN: [weary] Oh yes?

DOUGLAS: You both dream of flying – and yet you can't.

xxx

[high-pitched shriek]

CAROLYN: Oh what now, Arthur? Are you playing Yellow Snow and just beat yourself?

ARTHUR: I JUST SAW A POLAR BEAR AND IT WAS BRILLIANT!

CAROLYN: Really? What was it doing – dancing a cha-cha wearing a hula skirt?

ARTHUR: No it just sort of… stood there, doing nothing – but_ that_ it did brilliantly!

CAROLYN: I figured as much. Now, if you can pry your attention away from the window? Thank you. Let's go through the plan one more time, to raise the chances of success to… let's say 5%. Once we've landed-

ARTHUR: [drones in a practiced voice] I let you do all the talking to the passengers at first because no matter how brilliant it is that they live next to polar bears, I'm a 29-year-old steward and not supposed to bother them. [pause] Although I don't really understand-

CAROLYN: Of course you don't. Now, once I've finished talking to them, you-

ARTHUR: -help them put their bags on G-ERTI and ask them what they would like to eat.

CAROLYN: [in her Snoopadoop-voice] Right! Good boy! And then you go out to the airport cafeteria where you get _exactly _what they want and not a single ingredient for surprising rice!

ARTHUR: Ah, see, mum, that's the amazing thing about surprising rice, though – you don't have to get special ingredients, you can just make it from virtually anything!

CAROLYN: No surprising rice, Arthur! You get exactly what the passengers want because they are _very _rich and we are _very_ in need of _very _rich clients.

ARTHUR: Right. So how did they get so rich? By watching polar bears? 'Cause there is not really anything else to do here, is there?

CAROLYN: Not watching the polar bears, rather drilling holes into the ice under the polar bears' feet to get to the massive amount of oil buried there, I imagine.

ARTHUR: Ah, I get it. But… if they're so rich, why are they flying with us?

CAROLYN: Because rich people don't stay rich by spending a lot of money.

ARTHUR: But you don't spend a lot of money and we –

CAROLYN: Well, I have four things they don't have, though, that make me lose money regularly without actually spending it.

ARTHUR: [amazed] Oh wow – _four_ things?! What are they?!

CAROLYN: [drily] A G-ERTI, an Arthur, a Martin and a Douglas.

xxx

[Flight Deck. Douglas, Martin. Carolyn enters.]

CAROLYN: Afternoon, drivers!

DOUGLAS: Oh, aren't you cheerful! Does that mean Arthur has not yet managed to scare the passengers off?

CAROLYN: [unfazed ] Exactly. They're settling in at the moment. Then they will return to the station to close everything up or polar-bear-proof it or whatever, and then we're good to go. Now, what are you two doing at the moment?

MARTIN: [hastily] We're busy.

CAROLYN: Oh? Doing what? Because it certainly looks like you two are just lounging about. I could be wrong of course and there's a new technique of flying a plane with the feet propped up on the consoles.

DOUGLAS: Martin here has a lucky streak at a game we're playing.

MARTIN: Lucky streak? I'm winning! There's no way you can beat me now.

DOUGLAS: Isn't there, though? I mean… you're still you. _Not_ a sky god. And I'm still me. A sky god.

MARTIN: [annoyed] Oh what has you being a "sky god" got to do with it-

CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. Everyone knows you're going to lose. [to Douglas] What are you playing?

DOUGLAS: Whoever gets most song titles in sentences until tonight wins. Martin is surprisingly not bad at it until now.

CAROLYN: How's that?

MARTIN: I listen to the radio a lot while I'm working my van-job. [mutters] I know I can win this.

CAROLYN: You won't – now, since you two are not busy, you're going to take a walk around G-ERTI. One of the _very rich_ passengers said something at the back looked weird, and we want the _very rich_ passenger to feel safe, don't we?

DOUGLAS: Martin can do the walk. After all, he's the Captain. Imagine how impressive it will look if the Captain himself inspects the plane to guarantee for the passengers' safety.

CAROLYN: You're both going. In case you need to inspect something above eyelevel, Martin will need a lift.

[protests of both pilots]

CAROLYN: I'm paying you-

MARTIN: [mutters] Technically, you don't.

CAROLYN: -and Douglas, a walk will do you good. Christmas might have been a good time for you, but _Hips Don't Lie._ [leaves]

MARTIN: [stunned] Did she just quote a Shakira song?

DOUGLAS: [offended] Did she just call me fat?

xxx

[outside G-ERTI, Douglas is still grumpy, Martin doesn't look to happy, either; a wild Arthur appears]

ARTHUR: Hey chaps! What are you doing?

MARTIN: Inspecting G-ERTI. Trying not to get eaten by a polar bear.

DOUGLAS: [grunts non-committal]

ARTHUR: What's wrong, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Nothing.

MARTIN: Carolyn… made a comment about his weight. [in an afterthought, proudly] And I'm winning our game.

DOUGLAS: [grunts again]

ARTHUR: Oh don't worry Douglas! You look perfectly fine! And skip is not going to win-

MARTIN: Hey!

ARTHUR: Sorry skip. But you never do! Don't worry about it, though. You're brilliant, and Douglas looks fine.

DOUGLAS: Okay, now I _am_ worried.

ARTHUR: [unfazed] I mean it. Anyways, can I ask you two a quick question? [doesn't really wait for an answer] What am I supposed to pick up for lunch? The passengers said they wanted something really English, like Hamburgers.

DOUGLAS: Something really _English_? _Hamburgers_?

ARTHUR: Well isn't that English, though? Ham definitely is – there's Nottingham and Birmingham and… well I can't think of any others-

MARTIN: Wokingham, maybe?

DOUGLAS: Don't encourage him.

ARTHUR: - well, and burgers are English, too, I suppose?

D [to M]: Wait until I tell him pasta is not actually Italian.

ARTHUR: Nah, now you're making things up!

DOUGLAS: I'm sorry to shatter your world view but it's true. Noodles were invented by the _Chinese_.

ARTHUR: [completely fascinated] Wow! And how did they get to Italy?

DOUGLAS: Well, certainly not via MJN.

XXX

[back in the air, Arthur is still completely fascinated by food facts which Douglas readily provides]

ARTHUR: Well, who invented Hot Dogs, then?

DOUGLAS: You might consult with the Chinese again.

MARTIN: Oh, Douglas, don't say that to Arthur – that's just a prejudice. I'm sure they don't actually eat dogs.

DOUGLAS: Yes, the dogs at that market were probably just sleeping really deep. On the counter of that market stand.

MARTIN: I think I might be sick.

ARTHUR: We could open a window-

DOUGLAS: We could open a window. On an aeroplane. 35.000 ft up in the air?

ARTHUR: Oh yeah sorry forgot about that.

DOUGLAS: Naturally.

ARTHUR: We could just wind it down a bit?

XXX

[Back at Fitton. Flight deck. Martin and Douglas]

DOUGLAS: Post-landing checks complete. GERT-I has officially landed and is decidedly polar-bear-free.

MARTIN: [shortly] Yes.

DOUGLAS: Oh, come on, it's not my fault you burnt your throat on hot coffee and couldn't speak, which enabled me to unsurprisingly, yet still aptly winning our little game. Your voice is coming back now, though, which should make you happy.

MARTIN: Well, who would've counted on Arthur making hot coffee for once?!

DOUGLAS: Maybe Sir should have seen it coming, considering Sir's lucky streak with the game up until that moment.

[High-pitched gleeful Arthurian shriek, followed by a second, more terrified Arthurian shriek before Martin can answer; pilots quickly exit the flight deck and meet Carolyn at the exit of GERT-I]

DOUGLAS: Good Lord, I didn't know Arthur was able to make sounds we could use as a sonar. Carolyn, have you ever thought of purchasing a submarine?

CAROLYN: [drily] If I did, I would certainly hire you as the submarine's jester.

DOUGLAS: Oh, I believe ridiculous hats are rather Martin's area of expertise.

MARTIN: Of for God's sake, I told you already the braid is not-

CAROLYN: Shush, both of you. For all we know, Arthur might just have spotted a polar bear that decided to take a trip to sunny Britain, and I'd rather not have my son eaten by such a creature. After all, he does work here for free, as much as you can call what he does work, anyway…

DOUGLAS: Your motherly concern is touching as always. However, I believe the source for his glee, followed by his terror would be the young lady coming across the airfield, followed by his discovery that snow-men don't survive in the fridge.

MARTIN: [eyes the approaching figure closely] Is that is girlfriend?

CAROLYN: [ignores Martin] Why on earth would he bring a snow-man on GERT-I.

DOUGLAS: As a token for his chosen one, of course!

MARTIN: [a bit louder] Yes, can we maybe talk about her for a second? Carolyn, you said he only dated rather… ditsy girls.

CAROLYN: Yes?

MARTIN: Well, she doesn't… I mean, she looks rather…

DOUGLAS: Intelligent?

MARTIN: Yes…no! I mean, yes. And she's… gorgeous! [stammers] I mean, I'm not interested or… but you know- she's, uh…

DOUGLAS: Confidently put.

CAROLYN: [sighs] Believe me, I was just as surprised as you are when she introduced herself. Goes to med school, if I got that right between Arthur's mooning over her.

MARTIN: But- but- how?!

CAROLYN: I don't know. She's a real girl, though – no robot or one of his friends in disguise.

MARTIN: Maybe he pays her, you know, to say that she's his girlfriend because Mr. Birling teased him again last week…

DOUGLAS: Are you saying that this exceptionally exceptional being is a prostitute?

MARTIN: No, that's not – don't be crass!

DOUGLAS: I only meant that if she were, it would be our duty as responsible humans to free her from her bad life. By marriage, for example.

CAROLYN: She could be your daughter, Douglas - that is revolting! And besides, I can be sure that she is no prostitute because those want, as Martin pointed out, _money_ and if there's one thing neither Arthur nor I have, it's money. Now, let's all try to act like grown-ups, even if that's hard for some [you can just feel her pointed look at both pilots]

xxx

[Lizzy has successfully introduced herself to everyone and has calmed down Arthur, now leading him away from the plane while the so-called grownups watch]

MARTIN: Just for the record – I didn't mean she was a prostitute! Maybe a friend. But anyways… it looks like they really are a couple.

DOUGLAS: Yes. And if I might add one last thing – in the spirit of our song-ful day?

CAROLYN: Go on.

DOUGLAS: Baby Got _Back_.


End file.
